Notes From Love & Logic

Three Rules for Control Battles
1. Avoid a control battle at all costs. (use "brain dead" if you have to)
2. If you're going to get into a battle, win it at all costs.
3. Pick the issue carefully. Whenever a control battle is lost, it's because the issue wasn't chosen carefully.

-- Find the items you can control in a battle - for example, if a child will not eat their burger before you want to leave the restaurant, you cannot control if they eat, but you CAN control when the car leaves. They can leave with you either hungry or not hungry.

-- the greatest modifier of childrens' behavior by far is showing frustration. (for example, a race to the car with a child. "oh no, you beat me!" shows mock frustration. kids love it.) show a calm front to children.

-- in giving children choices - there are actually three. either the kid "does" or "doesn't", and the third option is that the parent decides.

-- the ONLY time to reason with children is when they are calm and both parties are happy (or, mostly so).

-- consequences need not be immediate, but provide the child with verbal feedback - something like, "not a wise choice. i'll get back to you on that."

Rules for Giving Choices

1. Always be sure to select choices that you as a parent like and can live with.
2. Never give a choice unless you are willing to let the child experience the consequences of the choices.
3. Never give choices when the child is in danger.
4. Always give only two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is the third implied choice.
5. Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following:
"You're welcome to (blank) or (blank)."
"Feel free to (blank) or (blank)."
"Would you rather (blank) or (blank)?"
"What would be best for you, (blank) or (blank)?"

-- giving multiple warnings only sets a child up for requiring multiple warnings.